Hello friends, I am so sorry it has been so long… Life has been a bit crazy….
I met someone…(: Well we already knew each other but anyways you get the point. He is so cute and not to mention his huge heart. I feel so lucky that I can call him mine…. At least that is what I thought just this morning….
I honestly didn’t think I was going to fall for anyone else but it turns out I did… I have… I really like him…. I have never felt happier then being with him. He knows how to have fun. He is so amazing and now he doesn’t know what he wants and honestly it is tearing me apart inside… I have no idea what to do. I feel like someone is ripping out my heart all over again and I am having a major anxiety attack inside but I am trying to play it cool.
Truly, if I am going to be honest I am not going to give up on him. He is seriously a great human and I love him more than he probably knows. I know we will get through whatever this is.
I am a strong person and he tells me that a lot… so he should know that this isn’t over that easily…
You don’t realize how many people you see everyday, how many people who pass you and have things going through their mind that you will never have any clue about…
Doesn’t that scare you? Aren’t you worried that you have no idea who you attend school with, who you work with.
How do you know if that girl who looks like they are all put together actually is? What if their dad is touching them inappropriately? What if their mom had a miscarriage or maybe they’re family has no money.
What about that boy who dresses in rags? What if his parents just got laid off from their jobs? Maybe he has been passed around foster home to foster home?
What about the star athlete who seems like they are the perfect person? How do you know they aren’t actually really lonely because their parents work too much and forget about their kids? Maybe they use sexual actions to fill that hole.
Look at me I walk around like I am okay, but on the inside I feel like breaking down and balling every single day…. You wouldn’t know that because I never show it. I want the people around me to be happy and I would do anything to cheer my friends up even if that means hiding my pain. I use to use sex filling that hole that I thought was never going to close. I thought that if I had a guy calling me beautiful once it was better than nothing.
I realize now that nothing is better than giving myself away because I missed some guy so much.
He has moved on with his life and it is my turn to move on too.
Things will get better but it always starts with who you are and who you want to be.
Don’t judge others because you don’t know their full stories.
Show love all the time!
I know it has been a long time I apologize for that too!
It has been a crazy week.
I want to blog about all the good things but then I would have to have something good to tell you.
I use to love this guy so so so much and he use to love me at one point.
Then it was gone.
Love is supposed to make you feel good about yourself
I feel like I am at this place in my life where I want to find myself but miss the connection that I use to have… Being able to talk to someone everyday and knowing they are always there for me…
I think everything happens for a reason, so I am waiting for the next thing to happen.
I will be back again real soon!! Posting my first vlog this week so stay tune!!!
5… Deep breath
4… Breathe in and breathe out
You are going to be okay.
3… Another breath
2… You are starting to relax
1… You are okay
I don’t like them. They are hurtful and only like to cut people down.
I know I should pray for them.
Honestly, I don’t want to.
I just want to get through high school and leave these stupid people.
I hate the he said she said games and shit.
I’m worth more than this…. right?
Do you think calling someone fat or calling them a whore is making you feel better about yourself?
What if they were doing that to you? What if it were the other way around?
No one likes it when they are the one getting bullied so why do it to others?
Can we skip to Friday already?
I know it is cliché to say Monday sucks, but they do.
I miss being a kid and just enjoying my life now it is like I cannot breathe.
Who else feels this way?
Sometimes we should take a step back and look at where we are instead of running through the motions.
Friends are something I don’t have very many of.
Because honestly I am just trying to do my own thing right now.
I just want to get through high school and get my life started.
In high school there are a lot of dumb people.
The people who think they are better than everyone else, or the people who others think are “weird”, the ones who are just complete dicks to everyone who is not their friend. Also, the two-faced girls who are “so nice”
Which one are you? Which one do you know? Which do you hate the most?
PTSD: Otherwise known as post-tramatic stress disorder, is an anxiety disorder that may develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which severe physical harm occurred or was threatened.
You usually see this is people who come back from the military and maybe people who were in really bad car accidents.
Sometimes it isn’t either of those.
I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, depression; my PSTD comes from reoccurring traumas.
To explain this a little bit; I was adopted at 21 months and before that I was exposed to drugs and it was overall a really bad situation. When I was about 10 or 11 my parents got a divorce which took 3 years to finalized. Adding a third scoop to this sundae; I dated this guy for about a year before he cheated on me & I decided to stay with him for another year. To share the cherry on top he eventually ended it and I was gone.
But only for a while.
I am on an anti anxiety/depression med that is helping me get through the days. The days where I can’t even think of continuing my life.
The doctor says something like,” when you are a baby you cannot speak so you cannot voice how you feel; if you are hurt or don’t like something you just cry, but the pain sits with you and your body remembers how it felt and if something triggers that pain sometime it comes out in different ways.
Some days it is hard to deal with the pain, some days it is really easy no matter what thought I am still living and I wouldn’t change that for anything.
Thank you blog readers for letting me tell you a big part of my life and hopefully you understand me more!!